Magikarp Used Jump. It Was Ineffective.

Today, I woke up like any other day—by scrolling through my Twitter feed. But today, my eyes gazed upon the promise of a better day.

This town is why Snorlaxes fall asleep.

“A NEW POKÉMON GAME!?!”

“Mayor Karp?”

“Wait…A Magikarp jumping game?”

And just like that, the promise had shattered. But I was still stuck in a reality with a Magikarp jumping game. My fingers moved involuntarily, and before I knew it, Pokémon Magikarp Jump was booting up on my phone.

You know how there are boring, worthless side quests in video games? That’s what this entire game is. I don’t know who was clamoring for this game to be made, but they need to be placed back into the hole from whence they came.

I played this game for six weeks an hour. Here’s the breakdown.

“My table’s just in the back of this windowless van…”
  1. You meet Mayor Karp (Major creeper btw).
  2. You “catch” a Magikarp (the game does it for you).
  3. Tap the food in the pond to eat.
  4. Train by tapping the screen once during training activities. (How fast you tap is inconsequential to how well it does. Tap a million times or once. Same amount of points.).
  5. Battle trainers by tapping the screen once to make Magikarp jump. No timing mechanism or anything. Just press the big button that says jump.
  6. Get upgrades by getting diamonds/coins and spending them in the shop.
  7. Your first Magikarp hits a plateau at level 11.
  8. Judging from five let’s plays and my own game, Magikarp #1 will jump its highest at ~17.9 meters (~18.15 meters with Pikachu’s cheering). You can win a maximum of 9 battles before retiring it.
  9. Battle with that Magikarp until it loses and you can’t ever use it again.
  10. Fish for a new Magikarp (it starts back at level 1).
    1. You tap.
    2. It eats.
    3. Trains.
    4. Jumps.
    5. Tap the screen a maximum of two times in battle.
    6. WASH. RINSE. REPEAT.

This game is about as pointless as anything you can get. Nothing you do matters. No amount of tapping matters. No amount of training matters—you hit a plateau and that’s it. I’ve utilized more strategy while putting on socks.

Before this game, Metapod and Kakuna were tied for the most boring Pokémon. The crown changed places today. Not even the promise of evolving into Gyarados or gold scales will save Magikarp now.

It’s also worth asking, doesn’t Magikarp die when it’s out of water for too long? It is a fish. Is this torture? Yes. For you and Magikarp, but mostly still you.

You can download it for free now on your smartphone, but you probably shouldn’t. If I had to describe this game, I’d have to say…well, how about you tell the people, Mayor Karp.

You said it, you creepy bastard.

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