We never thought this would happen. We hoped it would never happen. Nintendo is planning a new Super Mario Brothers movie. *pause for gasps*
I imagine some of your are as shocked as I am. Some of you may wonder what all this fuss is about. If you don’t understand why we’re cringing, it’s clear you never saw Nintendo’s first attempt at a Super Mario Bros movie (original trailer below).
*pause for shudders*
The year was 1993 and the world was still high on Mario Kart for the SNES. The franchise was strong, the fans were elated. Life seemed good. Then the announcement came… a Mario movie was in development! Fans everywhere rejoiced! The games are amazing, so the movie must be amazing too, right?
We… we just weren’t prepared. We couldn’t know what steaming pair of shit mittens awaited to slap our bewildered faces in theaters that fateful Spring. It was horrifying.
Bob Hoskins and John Luigizamo (who aren’t the worst actors) starred as Mario and Luigi. But then we got King Koopa played by Dennis Hopper. Let that sink in… The guy who played Frank Booth in Blue Velvet went on to play Mario’s lizard nemesis. Funny thing is, though, that casting wasn’t nearly as bad as the script! The story includes parallel dimensions, a magical meteorite, an orphaned NYU student, and a city named Dinohattan. Oh, and Toad is a freaking punk-rock street-musician.
So, what makes Nintendo want to relieve those hard times? Here’s my guess:
The Angry Birds movie did really well. Nintendo figures an animated Mario flick could do even better.
And so, Nintendo is working with Illumination’s Paris-based Mac Guff studio as we speak. No other details are available now, but I’m sure the official movie announcement will be shouted from every mountain top. Nintendo isn’t known for skimping on the marketing…
How do you think they’ll salvage this one?